You live once and you can only be you, you can’t be somebody else. I don’t want to live my life regretting things, i want to say what I want to say, do what I wanna do.

This moment will never come back, you have to capture every moment you get and appreciate it. You have to have respect for other people and appreciate everything in life but you have to trust in yourself.

(Lee Chaerin, 2014)


Hidup Yang Berputar

Ooh, you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you, to help me forgive


Hidup itu berputar. Begitu yang dituturkan kakek tua di samping rumahku. Kupikir itu benar. Ini sama halnya seperti waktu yang melaju, atau bumi yang berotasi. Misalnya, ketika kamu masa kecil tidak bisa menyelesaikan matematika sederhana dan kamu merengek pada ibumu untuk mengajarimu. Lantas hidup berputar, kau beranjak remaja dan adikmu merengek padamu.

Hidup itu berputar. Sebagaimana kita yang terus melangkah, seperti itu pula bagaimana orang-orang di sekitarku terus datang dan pergi. Silih berganti. Beberapa menemani dalam rentang yang lama, meski beberapa kelewat cepat hanya untuk sekedar diingat namanya. Sepadan dengan aku yang ditinggalkan, pun ada kalanya aku akan meninggalkan. Ini hanya sekadar siklus kehidupan.

Maka, ketika hidupku terus berputar, dan sekitarku terus berubah, saat itulah aku tahu. Ada beberapa orang yang tetap di sana. Sejauh apapun aku berlari, akan ada orang yang berlari di sampingku. Akan ada orang yang menungguku di garis akhir dan menyuguhkan sebotol air. Akan ada orang yang tertawa lepas, menikmati hidup yang keras. Bersama.



Ooh, you make me live
Ooh, I’ve been wandering round
But I still come back to you
(still come back to you)
In rain or shine
You’ve stood by me girl
I’m happy at home (happy at home)
You’re my best friend

(The Once – You’re My Best Friend)


PS: me in writing mode. Can’t stop my fingers.

Dedicated for some people important to me —Bella, Putri, Nilam, Diyan, Tri— Thanks to exist in my life. You all means a lot to me.


Comic Paradox


I am often saddened when a celebrity takes their life but when I heard Robin Williams may have committed suicide I cried.  If this famously funny man, who made millions of people laugh, couldn’t fight depression then what chance do any of us have?

Robin Williams was pretending to be an alien when I was around eight years old.  I didn’t understand the humor but his personality, his mannerisms, his impersonations were mesmerizing. Watching him was like going to the circus and watching a dozen different clowns inhabit the same body.  I will always remember him as the quirky alien in a stripped shirt, rainbow suspenders, and an extremely furry body.  But the most memorable thing about him was his smile and how it touched his eyes.


He was like static electricity, a live wire, on the comedy stage and had the most brilliant dirty humor.  Robin Williams was the…

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One Pray for My Partner in Crime


In this silent night, can you come to my dream?

Here it is, I pray to God for it. Because I still cannot believe you left me. Because I still wish, you are here. Because your existence still nailing in mine.


I still clearly remember, you are the one who taught me to live freely. No matter what everyone thought, you just picked me up from the ‘sticking the rules’ line. Your life rule was just one, enjoy life as fully as you can.

Remember, you were the one who held my hand and said, “Let’s eat!” although you knew that was almost late. And me just nodded happily.

You remember, what did you tell me that time?

“Dis, you are really my partner in crime!”

And me just laughed and we did a high five.


Or the moments when we bumped each other in hospital corridor, you remember? I shouted your name loudly and cheered you. And as me and you, we never be a normal person. Have you count, how many times we act like couple?

You remember? When I casually called you, “Honey, I miss you~!” and you danced happily -an Indian dance that you proudly presented- and replied, “I miss you too, darling!”


Or the times when we met at lift, and you asked about my friend. You know, the one who played husband-wife with you when we at psychiatry lab? You asked to me, curiously “Where is my wife?”

I just pretended to be sad, then asked back to you dramatically, “You asked me about your wife? Do you not care to me anymore?” My hand swept my eyes, as if there were tears fell from it.

You just smirked and told me. “Of course I care, darling~~.”


You don’t forget when you saved me from crazy person who tried to molesting me, right? Or when you let me to touch your scar below your left eye? Or when you acted looking me everywhere although you knew I was already in front of you? Oh well, our difference height always too far. Approximately thirty centimeters?

You always made fun of me because of it. Hissh!

Or when…

Or when…

Oh My God, you know, we have too much moment, yet I could not mention one by one.


I just wish you would be here, to help me remember. Because I hate time always run with me, and you just standing at same place.

In that Monday morning, when I got a call from Daniel, doctors failed to help you.


I just miss you. Yet I know I already can’t meet you. I can’t call you ‘honey’ again. We can’t do the high five again.

I can’t called a man with name Navindran, again.

It’s just… can’t.

And I hate it.


Once again, I wanna ask to God, In this silent night, can you just come to my dream?

You don’t have to do anything. Just stand up in front of me, and let me hug you, for the last time.



Your partner in crime.

PS : Navindran, will you read it in heaven? Will you?


That’s how Gods’ way work. He never let us alone.

You know, fall in love is the most idiot thing in the world, in my sight. Human who chose to fall,  is not more than a stupid person. And me, don’t want to be one of them. Oh big no no!

I have fallen in love, and it hurts as hell. Yeah, I’ve been an idiot one, and I am not a dork. I don’t want to feel it, twice. Being independent is a best choice then. Alone is the good companion. I don’t care about people thought about this, but stand by myself is the best part of my life.


Maybe till I meet him.

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Aku pikir, banyak perihal yang perlahan memudar lantas punah semenjak kita beranjak dewasa. Sesederhana bagaimana kita pikun pada senyum kala terik surya mulai mendaki kisi jendela, lepasnya hati kala detik berlari seiring kaki melangkah, rasa puas ketika penghujung hari telah melambai.

Sesederhana bagaimana nalar kita tumpul untuk mengkonversi setiap tanda tubuh menjadi satu konklusi.
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