October, 9th 2011
Dear Kwon Ji Yong…
Hey, Kwon Ji Yong… Or I should call you G-Dragon? Kwon Laedah? Yong Baby? With what nickname I should call you? Ah, maybe the name is no longer be a problem for you. Because what’s the meaning in a name? Even Romeo did not mention his feelings for Juliet that pour in his chest as ‘love’. He did not even know what name he should give to his beautiful ‘sin’.
Do you ask who am I? Who would dare to write a letter in the paper with full of folds, drab and dull like this to a leader of BigBang?
I am Choi Eun Kyo. The girl who stood in the shadow of a person that looks you in the behind your silhouette. I am Choi Eun Kyo, just a friend of Han Soo Hee, a girl who couldn’t divert any part of her life from you. Because you ARE her world.
You feel know her? Of course, she is your girl! She is a girl who smiles when you raise the both point of your lips. She is the most first one to shed the crystal grains of her pretty eyes, when you do not feel happiness. She is the most poignant by thousands of spears when you feel hurt. The girl who even now can’t knock on your heart.
She is … -I can say- most suffering on you.
Kwon Ji Yong, do not cry anymore. Because I believe, the earth was no longer able to contain it. And for Han Soo Hee, every grain of tears, which is like a knife that hit barrage to her head. Also for me, see my two precious people who suffering by their own feelings, as if sprinkled salt on the open wounds. Can you describe the pain?
I believe everything that happens in this world, not without reason. Even for a leaf that falls from the tree before its time, it has its own purpose. Maybe it wanted to prove to all, that it could stand without the tree. Or perhaps another reason that you can make to them. They could have happened just like that, without meaning anything. Yes, you were the pick of all reason. You gave him meaning. Because I know you can’t afford to let all that happen just go away without meaning. Of course, for you, every moment is the source of all the carvings that adorn each word of your song.
To me, this incident also has reasons. Each person is able to speculate. Each person can make an argument about something that happened to you. And maybe, I was one of many people. The different is, maybe I am the one who decided to be in a neutral party. And dare, to tell you everything,
From where I have to start all this?
I know you are a good person. You donate your money when your birthday, you donated clothes that you have. You visited a little boy who has the same name with you, played with him, gave him a gift, on between your busy schedules. I know, you were protecting a child when you should continue to sing at concerts. I know, you were so respectful of others, even though you know you are senior to them.
In addition, I know you are the most stupid person in the world. Even if I dare say, -and I thought I was brave enough to write in a letter this stupid- you are the dumbest people in the solar system. You drank alcohol with the highest levels that can be tolerated by humans. You like party until mornings greet the world. You hurtled yourself with a tattoos that seemed increasingly showing your depression. And you SMOKE. The habits that drag you in all this.
I do not blame you. Nor justify your actions, of course.
I’m sure, in the life of an idol like you, you are required to perform perfectly, whatever how destroyed inside yourself. You were always forcing yourself to smile, with the fake face to please everyone who came to your concert. Since that, I no longer wonder, when you vent your anger, hurt, frustration, hatred, to the custom-habit. Again, I say, I never blame you for all.
However, have you ever thought about a Han Soo Hee? The girl you choose, but still neglected. Crashing when you want the space. Has it ever occurred JUST A PIECE of your mind, a crystal drop of tears that fell when she was thinking of you and your custom-habit? Even today, behind a barrier wall that you build between you and Soo Hee, did you ever think about, how she wanted embrace you in her arms? Want whispered the next to your ear, that she’s there beside you, and you will never alone. Have you ever wondered, how tormented Soo Hee, knowing everything, grief, but not from you. How she blames everything that happened to you, as her fault.
And what about me, who wants to destroy the wall of defense that you create until you couldn’t find any tiles, and then let you run to the Soo Hee, and spill everything.
Because I, and Soo Hee, never requires you to perfect.
Because the imperfection that makes you perfect.
Because the love, not only there when you smile, but also when you cry.
Do not condemn yourself, Kwon Ji Yong. Forgive yourself. You must do it. Believe me, cursing yourself will not take you anywhere. It will only let you wrestle with the mud that kept trying to drown each day until you are no longer able to breathe. You have to feel it, right? How crowded until you could no longer be able to feel the air which presented so many around you.
You do not belong here. Not in the dark. Not in the dense of disappointment and despair. You need color. You missed it all. That glow. You know that.
Kwon Ji Yong, close your eyes and let yourself lead you towards the path of all this darkness. Allow yourself to dance. Dancing in your most beautiful dances, along with BigBang that you always proud of it. Because Soo Hee like to see it. And of course, I’d like to see it. You understand what I mean, isn’t it? How glad when my best friend get the happiness.
Please dance, let the color sparks out of every your body movement into the air. Let your charm paints every wind that blows. Please sing, let your voice heard by the entire world that trying to be deaf about your existence. Destroy all obstructions of creativity that you can still create.
Because see you, is like seeing a maestro who makes a masterpiece on canvas supergiant.
Kwon Ji Yong, promise me, for Soo Hee. Stop all this grief and give your heart peace. Forgive yourself and your mistakes. Do not make them as a ghost in your life. Make one episode of this life as a lesson, and move on with pride, because you can get through it all.
Because life is not about how much pain we feel, but how the pain can make us much stronger.
For all that happens, please smile, Kwon Ji Yong.
Choi Eun Kyo